Tuesday, 1 July 2014

Digression: The White Queen - A Much-Needed Sequel

Because it's needed to forestall The White Princess, the Armed Man feels it his public duty to present a radical new theory on what really happened to the Princes in the Tower:


Episode 1 - Arrival of the Time-Travelling Slugmen from Planet Thwonk

[Scene - a chamber in the Tower of London. Edward V and Richard of Shrewsbury are sleeping soundly in a large bed. Lurking in the shadows are Margaret Beaufort, Anne Neville, Frodo of Gloucester and Barrel Dude, all brandishing pillows nervously. King Edward awakes suddenly with a start]
Edward: Eek! A giant slug wearing a fishbowl (not that they've been invented yet, but by this stage nobody cares)!
Slug: Hold, all of you! I am Space Inspector Korlz from the Thwonkian Star Fleet. I come from across the galaxy and far in the future to rescue you from a terrible fate.
Edward: So, you are... An Inspector Korlz?
Slug: Tragic, isn't it? Anyway, you must come with me before one of more of these shifty types does you in.
Omnes [hurriedly hiding pillows]: "Surely not!" "God wills it!" "Just making sure they're comfortable!" "Mar-nen!"
Slug: No, really.
Frodo: Not before time! Thank goodness I don't have to smother them. It would ruin my image and ensure my reconstructed head would never get any hot action with my many groupies!
Anne: FROH-DOH?!?!?!?!?
Frodo: Er, nothing dear!
Slug: So come quickly.
Edward: Righty-ho. Come along Richard.
Frodo: But I want to stay here and be king. Briefly.
Edward: No, the other Richard.
Frodo: Ah yes. Got you. Off you go...
Slug: Ooh - tallow candles, delicious! [swallows candle whole, plunging room into darkness]
Slug: Shite.
[To be continued]

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