Friday, 8 November 2013

Digression: The White Queen - Episode 9

Her husband died in battle
Her weird hat makes a rattle
She treats her kids like cattle
It's Duchess Ce-ci-leeeeeeeeeee

Frodo: As it's the start of a new episode, I thought I'd better line you all up and address you by name so the viewers can work out who's who while ironically appealing to your loyalty.
[outbreak of mass coughing and shuffling]
Frodo: Anyone for bling?
Omnes: Ra-ther!
Anne: It's definitely for the good of England, you know.
Frodo: Absolutely.
Anne: I mean, being queen is neither here nor there.
Frodo: Absolutely.
Anne: I mean, you know I'm from a family where we've never been ambitious.
Frodo: Mhm....
Anne: And nobody wants a Woodville on the throne.
Frodo: Except the Woodvilles. There's *hundreds* of them...
Anne: FRO-DOH!
Frodo: I mean, of course not. Nobody wants that. Look, this is me agreeing...
Princess Ginger Ninja: Argh! We're all going to die.
Elizabeth: Oh for heaven's sake, just because you've lost your wifi connection stop panicking! Haven't you checked your wikipedia bio often enough?
Stanley: There's a whole plot of shakin' going on.
Margaret: So now we are the Jerry Lee Lewis party, opposed to the Motown faction, are we?
Stanley: Why not? But even if we overthrow Richard there are the boys in Henry (Tudor)'s way...
Margaret: I have a solution.
Stanley: What of?
Margaret: Sulphuric acid.
Barrel dude: Lady Anne?
Anne: I've come to the Tower to see the Princes. Does my bum look big in this?
Barrel dude: Frankly, yes.
Anne: That's because I'm hiding some pillows up there...
Barrel dude: Fair do's, yer ladyship. Are you going to smother them?
Anne: Of course not. You are.
Barrel dude: Shite.
Anne: Remember to whom you are talking.
Barrel dude. Sorry. Shite, Your Grace.
Anne: That's better
Doctor: Lots of people are willing to help, but basically they all want the moon on a stick.
Elizabeth: Shite.
Doctor: And one of your children to marry.
Elizabeth: Just as well I've got plenty then, isn't it?
Margaret (types e-mail): My son Henry Tudor, of whom both the viewers have constantly to be reminded, here's a really complicated and doomed idea for a plot...
Stanley: So - what's the plan, Mags?
Margaret: It is God's plan.
Stanley: Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight. Let me put it another way - are we going to rescue the princes or are they accidentally going to get their heads cut off?
Margaret: I feel all wobbly. They're just little boys. I nursed one myself...
Stanley: Look, they're in Henry's way to the throne.
Margaret: Good point. Chop 'em up.
Stanley: That's the spirit...
Barrel dude: CLOSE THE GATE!
Stanley: QUICK MEN!
Stanley: The why are we shouting?
Barel dude: Mekkin' up fer lack o'numbers.
Elizabeth: Thomas?
Thomas Grey: We were outnumbered. There were three of them.
Elizabeth: Bugger.
Barrel dude: Letter for you your majesty.
[Frodo reads it]
Anne: What is it?
Frodo: It's a piece of paper with ink marks all over it.
Anne: When did we turn into a 'Police Squad' tribute act?
Frodo: It's from Barrel Dude.
Anne: What does he say?
Frodo: He says "Mar-nen".
Anne: Obviously. But apart from that?
Frodo: Somebody tried to take the boys.
Anne: It's the witch.
Frodo: Unknown men tried to burst in but -
Anne: It's the witch.
Frodo: They were foiled by -
Anne: Frodo. It's. The. Witch.
Frodo: Absolutely darling. Look, this is me agreeing...
Margaret: God? Me again...
God: Oh Me...
Margaret: If you really want Snotty Pipsqueak and Vent-Boy on the throne, give me a sign.
Stanley: What are we doing at Barnet? And is there a Plan B?
Margaret: There is, but it's just between me and God.
Stanley: My neck's at stake here.
Margaret: OK, I'm going to have a chat to Buckingham. He's got a security pass for The Tower.
Stanley: Righty-ho.
Buckingham: You are older and wiser than I am.
God: I wouldn't count on that... 
Margaret: God? I'm talking! God: Yes ma'am. Sorry ma'am.
Buckingham: So, what's the plan?
Margaret: Well, everyone will now believe Frodo will want to get rid of the boys.
Buckingham: And if he doesn't?
Margaret: You do it and everyone will believe it was him. Simples.
Buckingham: And then Henry Tudor will be king. And if he dies?
Margaret: Whoopy-doo. Where do I sign?
Edward of Middleham: Will I be king one day?
Frodo: Absolutely.
Edward: Can I look on wikipedia now?
Frodo: I wouldn't do that if I were you...
Princess Ginger: So nobody has seen my brothers, our e-mails ping back unread, and Spawn of Frodo is Prince of Wales.
Elizabeth: Yes, all going according to plan.
Princess Ginger: What plan?
Elizabeth: The incredibly clever and subtle one.
Princess Ginger: Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight
Thomas: Psst! Your Grace Queen Elizabeth.
Elizabeth: I prefer mummy...
Thomas: Yes, but the viewers might lose track. Anyway, letter from Belgium!
Elizabeth: My boy Richard! He's safe! He's changed his name to Perkin Warbeck and is studying at the John Strewe Academy for young pretenders!
Margaret (types e-mail): Dear Jasper and Henry, have arranged the tournament thus - Richard will fight Buckingham and the boys outside London, you get to play the winner of that fixture at Tenby. Love and kisses, Mags. PS, God says 'Hi'.
Anne: What's up Frodo?
Frodo: Henry Tudor is betrothed to Princes Gingernut.
Anne: How do you know?
Frodo: Wikipedia.
Anne: Who edited the article?
Frodo: Lord Stanley.
Stanley (entering smoothly, as always): Your grace? It was all a mix-up. Wife. Out of control and stuff. It won't happen again.
Frodo: Fair enough. You can go.
Anne: You have to arrest Margaret.
Frodo: You can't tell me what to do. You're not the boss of me. I'm going to my room
Anne: This *is* your room.
Frodo: Shite
Stanley: Mags, come on. Are the princes dead?
Margaret: Yes.
Stanley: You're sure?
Margaret: Yes.
Stanley: You're absolutely sure?
Margaret: Yes.
Stanley: You're absolutely, totally sure?
Margaret: Yes.
Stanley: You saw them dead?

Margaret: No.
Stanley: Shite,
Frodo: They've booked ticket on the Brittany ferry...
Anne: We knew that.
Frodo: And Buckingham is saying  *I killed the princes in the tower.
Anne: Surely not! <splutter, cough> 
Elizabeth: Sir John?
Random fat bloke: I am so sorry Your Grace , you see ...
Elizabeth: What for? 
RFB: We tried to rescue the princes but..
Elizabeth: But what?
RFB: Are you actually going to let me finish a...
Elizabeth: No. It's in your contract
RFB:  Well they're dead, and....
Elizabeth: Shite.
Frodo: Buckingham is in Wales... 
Anne: Are you sure? I thought it was in the Home Counties.
Frodo: The person, not the place.
Anne: Whatever.
Frodo: So I'm going to defeat him. 
Anne: Have a nice time dear, and dont forget your other spaulder.
Frodo: What other spaulder?
Anne: Shite.
At this point, 15 minutes or so shy of the end of Episode 9, the Armed Man gave up, unable to face any more....

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