Thursday, 11 July 2013

Digression: The White Queen, Episode 4

Theeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeir dad is mean and brawny,
Their daughters' roles are pawny,
Their dialogue is corny,
The Neville fam-i-leeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Elizabeth: That child. That poor child. That poor, poor child. That poor, poor, poor...
Jacquetta: Hush, fool. It's all Warwick's fault.
Elizabeth: Fair enough. What's for lunch?
Henry: 'Tis but a scratch.
Warwick: Pawn number 2, you will marry Emo Devil-Prince.
George: And how will that help make me king?
Warwick. Change of plan....
Omnes: Seriously, WTF?
Warwick: Pawn - get a new outfit. We're off to see Psychofrog and Devilboy.
Messenger: The castle is being invaded by a Herbert.
Herbert: Give me Jasper.
Stafford: Not here mate.
Herbert: And the castle.
Stafford: Righty-ho.
Warwick: Your grace...
Queen Margaret of Clouseau: Yeur canneurt be serieuse! Yeur 'ave reum in yor 'art teur chahnzh sahdes?
Warwick: Pardon?
QM of C: Ah eursked if yeur 'ave reum in yor 'art teur chahnzh sahdes?
Warwick: Oh, room. Er, yes.
QM of C: That iz wheurt ah 'ave bin saying, yeur feurl. Sweur on theess eurnconvinving preup.
Warwick: Yeah, OK. Whatever.
M of C: Let me see de geurl.
[Grabs Anne and conducts detailed anatomical, dental and gynaecological examination (the last bit only available in the US version)]
QM of C: She weell deur. Now inveurde Engleurnd.
Warwick: Me and whose army?
QM of C: Yeur 'ave preumised. Deur eet!
Warwick: Shite.
Edward: I'm just going to explain the whole plot again in case anyone missed an episode.
Frodo of Gloucester: Poor Anne. Poor, poor Anne. Poor, poor, poor...
Edward: Hush, fool. We all know you fancy her.
Jacquetta: I know - let's go and see Duchess The Fly and explain the entire plot again!
Elizabeth: Whoopy-doo.
Herbert: Oh, and your son.
Margaret: NO.
Herbert: Your kinsman Lord Welles rebelled.
[Stafford drags her away, praying]
Edward: Elizabeth - I'm off to defeat Warwick and Margaret of Clouseau. Stay safe, and go and give birth to your princes, in the Tower. I'm sure nothing could possibly go wrong with that. Right Richard?
Frodo of Gloucester: Oh, absolutely. Princes. In Tower. Damn good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
Elizabeth: Edward darling, wouldn't you be safer wearing two spaulders?
Edward: Bye.
Anne: Help! I need Izzy!
Countess of Warwick: Gone.
Anne: Can't!
Countess: Must.
Anne: Nooooooooooooooooo!
Countess: It was like that when I married your father. First I was alone, I was petrified; thought I could never live with him by my side, but then...
Anne: Oh for God's sake Mum, when did you turn into Gloria Gaynor?
Countess: Count your blessings. It could be Dionne Warwick the Kingmaker...
Elizabeth: So, how's it all going?
Chorus of young Woodvilles: Warwick's invaded, Edward's run away to Belgium, and Mum's been arraigned as a witch.
Elizabeth: Bugger.
Warwick: M'lud, this woman is a WITCH!
[Muttering in court]
Warwick: Call a random actor to give testimony! Now, Mr Random of Mummerset, do you know this woman?
RA: Oo ar yer worship, scrumpy, peaseblossom!
Warwick: Oh God this is going to be as bad as Margaret of Clouseau.... Anyway, were you at the secret illegal wedding of this woman's daughter with Edward, formerly my best mate?
RA: Oo ar indeed yer worship, prarperjaaaarb, fetlocks!
Warwick: And what did you find?
RA: Oo ar, well, 'twas these 'ere lead 25mm figgers...
Jacquetta: That can't possibly represent Edward, he's wearing two spaulders!
[Gasps in court]
Jacquetta: And I wish to call a character witness.
Warwick: Whom?
Jacquetta: Inspector Margaret of Clouseau!
Warwick: Shite.
The Other Margaret: Henry! HENRY TUDOR! What happened?
Henry: We got ambushed.
Margaret: Still, glad you all kept your heads.
Henry: Er, yeah, about that... Anyway, I WILL be King of England. For I am HENRY TUDOR
Margaret: Oh darling! You googled yourself!
Anne: You look just like the one out of Twilight.
Devilboy: R-Patz?
Anne: No, the bint who looks like grumpycat. Anyway, what do I do now?
Devilboy: You don't need to do anything. You just have to lie there and hate it to make a dramatic contrast between me and Frodo later on.
Anne: Righty-ho.
Henry VI: Lobster lobster. Am I a saint yet?
Bishop: My grandson made this crown in nursery. Lovely, isn't it?
Henry VI: There are lobsters everywhere...
Margaret B: Here's HENRY TUDOR.
Henry VI: He's a lobster. He's out of water. Let me pour some over him...
Elizabeth: I've given birth to a prince. In the Tower. This can only end well!
Jacquetta: Yes darling.
Elizabeth: Mother? How did you escape the witchcraft rap?
Jacquetta: I flew out on my broomstick after turning the jury to mice.
Elizabeth: Really?
Jacquetta: Duh!

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